Archive for the ‘Tales of Old’ Category

Another Tale from the Past in my life as a FSNinja

October 26, 2008

OK folks I FINALLY found that napkin with the notes on the strangeness I have encountered as a restaurant ninja. So I remembered one of those odd moments in my waiting career.

I had just moved into my locale I currently live in from the boondocks where I attended college. How rural a place was it you ask? It was depending on the productivity of the hoelsteins that year-either the number one or two milk producing county in Texas. Now the town my college was in also had some manufacturing so the locals who had gotten away from farming for the most part were one or two (if they worked at the college) generations off the farm. I had some unusual offers while waiting during my college days. One guy offered me a job roofing. I asked him a few questions-what pitch roofs did he do?  Nothing too steep but ocassionally  he got jobs with step pitched roofs like in a Victorian house. Would I be hauling shingles but ladders with my bad knee? Yes -deal breaker there. Finally how much an hour did it pay? It paid less than I made an hour waiting on people in the boondocks where I was HAPPY with $1 per head in tips. Bear in mind this was a LONG time ago and our meal prices compared to now were much cheaper.

SO I go workin  the big city (DFW, TX) and the closest decent place to my old home which I had to commute from initially (70 miles each way). It was a locally based chain of cajun restaurants heavy on the kitsch. Decorations consisted of anything you could expect to find laying around any cajun’s place down on a bayou.  Zydeco music on repeat over the house speakers. Fast forward a few months, I have gotten a place in the city and and gotten comfortable in the job.

In comes a family which probably lived in a neighboring county which is very similiar to where I went to college. Traditionally a big agricultural county including dairy but on much lesser scale than my college’s county. Over the years alot of the locals there have gotten blue collar jobs in the big city to their north. My coworkers refer to their guests by the county’s name which to be nice I wont name. Its a derogatory one as in demanding, low tipping, tend to try and complain to get free stuff type of guest. They also tend to be less comsopolitain than our big city locals and need lots of help  with the menu about the food and especially about what this cajun incredient or sauce is about. We sold a lot of gator there and you would have to assure them its tasty(which  it is).

So the family comes in and things are going swimmingly. They tried to get a beer for their daughter. I carded her and she was only 16 or 17. Mind you by state law a parent present can order and physically served alcohol to their underage kids and wards. HOWEVER most chains refuse to serve underage ANYONES because the only way to PROVE that they ae your kids especially with step kids or other relatives you are raising is to have ID with matching addresses and court documents/birth certificates. Trust me NO ONE carrys this kind of info. Another variant is the underage spouse of a legal aged drinker which can drink underaged by state law. Most people attempting this learn to carry a copy of their marriage license and get their IDs with matching names and addresses.  SO I have to refuse this request.

By now the meal is midway though and its become OBVIOUS the daughter I can be charged with statutory rape for being in a room alone with by her parents is INTO ME. Lots of flirting and doe eyes plus blinking excessively and hair tossing. Mind you I am not the most attractive guy around -at the time I was packing a few extra pounds but I get called handsome when a girl describes me to her girlfriend who I have not met yet. We also wore shorts and hiking boots so she could check out my muscular legs. I also have a baby face.

Near the dessert course dad makes a pitch for his daughter. It is so long ago I couldnt give you the exact wording but basically I he told me I was welcome to see his underage daughter> I proceed to inform him that probably wouldnt be a GOOD idea since I was 26 at the time. He didnt seem to MIND the age difference.

That kinda scared me-what  father in his right mind encourages a guy nearly twice his daughters age to date her. Servers arent know to be low keyed either and since I didnt say I was saving myself for marriage. So it would be expected if we dated for lots of drinking to happen which would naturally lead to lots of sex. And thats where the minute either parent got upset with me they could get me arrested for the statutory rape charge. They aklo had 3 other kids so I thought maybe he just want to get rid of a mouth to feed.

I tried to avoid them as much as possible until they left after his kind offer.

About 20 minutes later one of the hostesses made production of deliverying me a note from the smitten girl with her phone number on it.

All in all it could be worse I waited on a woman who was 300 pounds if not more who couldnt stop making ebony and ivory comments(she was black and I am white) and at  one point copped a feel of my right cheek.


this just in….

July 15, 2008

Sorry for the lack of posts but we have gone thru an extended slow period and I refused to let my posting devolve into a whining, nonstop bitchfest.

SO I promise to  write some tales  from my serving past if nothing happens worth writing about in the near future. Maybe its time to tell ya about  the guy who just got out of the hospital after a bar night experience….

The Most messy Child I have waited Upon and mind you I have worked in restaurants since 1985…

March 20, 2008

I was relatively new to the waiting game just a 6 month old rookie to the dining room battleground in a Mexican restaurant in a small Texas town back in 1990. Naturally I found myself in the worse table section in the place right by the ladies restroom which tended to have plumbing/sewage smell problems. My next table lend me to discover why those problems only happened to the ladies bathroom as the mens room were located in a another part of the restaurant which obviously has undergone a minimum of 2 expansions as we had 2 different levels to the place.

My table consisted of a hellion in a high chair too young to speak, mom, and grandmom. My section is fairly small space-wise so when the hellion in his highchair is placed on the end of the table there is only 2 foot between his chair back and the table on the other side of the aisle. They order rice and beans for the little Damien. He immediately is putting handfuls of rice and beans EVERYWHERE withing his flinging range. OK once there was a 2 foot wide rectangle of space behind his high chair until the next table. Now there is a semicircle of rice, refried beans, and mixed up rice and beans behind the highchair leaving a 6 inch strip of clear carpet I have to negotiate just to refill grandma’s drink. I look for the 666 birthmark on his skull but it must have been covered by the rice and beans.

It doesnt END there people! There are rice and beans all over the chair and mind you its an old school high chair that is of metal that folds up and has a metal eating tray with ground in paste of rice and beans. The clean up factor compared to a modern wood chair is exponential. His clothes are full of the same rubbed in paste. His head is covered in the shit to the point he has it crammed into his ears and smeared all over his face. I would surmise from the total volume of debris in sight maybe 3 bites of rice and 3 bites of beans actually got down his pie hole. The one postitive I remember is the monster was quiet. I also vividly imagining what mom’s kitchen looked like since neither adult present seemed fazed by the brats behavior.

Mind you this was 1990 back when society allowed for parents to parent in public and they did for the most part-they still had the ability to recognize that horrendous noise was coming from their brat and they took steps to shut them up.

So they go into bathroom and spend a FULL 10 minutes bathing the boy in our ladies bathroom sink. They even brought a change of clothes and brought a big Ziploc tm baggie for the soiled outfit. I still had not gotten their table, floor, and high chair fully de-rice and beaned in that amount of time. Looking back I wish we had taken pics of the mess. I made a smartass remark about how they must not take the Hellion out too often since he took so long to clean up. They happily imformed me he had been GOOD on this outing as he normally took a 15 minute effort to clean up.

It also dawned on me why out womens bathrooms had reoccurring plumbing problems of  backed up sinks – it was  semirotten food debris in the lines. Having grown up in a hardware store I got the manager to put a box of Rid X down the lines once a week. The stuff is designed to eat away trees roots in a septic system so it worked fine on food debris down in the sink lines from washing off messy kids.